Half of Halves and an Ace of Spades

Photographs: Devadeep Gupta 

Author: Anusha N.

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”-  J. R. R. Tolkien, the Fellowship of the Ring.

There was once a Half of Halves- a man half understood. A man for whom no one stayed through his weak. A man few could see become all he wished to be; The Half that longed to be admired- to be wanted, to be needed or just to be seen. As anything more than that Half which finished the incomplete; as the Half that completed the queen bee. The Half that finished the unfinished halves. A Quarter that many longed for, but a Half of Halves just was he.

There was once an Ace of Spades. A woman of many shades. A girl who found her way into the hearts of men. Sometimes with little effort, sometimes with none. And even when she laughed, or wept or slept. It moved the pawns deep into their chests. She was like the deck of cards that always won. Either because of the deal or because of her veil. They’d either lie their cards all down so she could walk on their trumps. Or they’d let her bluff and let her win. She was like that queen of chess, who had many a pawns a bishop and a king. An army to defend her as she sat in her tower. An army to die, to kill for her, while she looked deep in her mirror.

She longed to be finished, to be as complete and then one day she met the Half of Halves. She knew that she had found what she lacked. She knew she too had that which he wished. A beauty, a charm and an innocent smile- a surreal dream which only she could provide. And so they walked hand in hand. Through the Poppies, and the Ivy and the Sunflower fields. Sometimes she’d drag him through minefields just for the thrill. And despite his defenses he’d always give in. And sometimes he’d carry her through and pull her out of the craters she’d always fall in. They walked and walked, never really seeing where the road leads. Never wanting an end, never wanting the road to bend. They walked till they hit a village carnival. And the Ace of Spades felt like a scene from a dream.

The Ace of Spades had been in her tower all her life, so she’d never realized. That the world outside had so many shiny lights. The Half of Halves felt her pull away, but just for a while. He let her go so she could see her clowns, her genies and her trippy lights. And he smiled as she laughed, and laughed as she blew bubbles that popped. He walked two steps behind her all the while. Not too close to steal her thunder. But neither too far to let her go unwatched. He knew the eyes that were on her galore. And yet he knew deep inside, it was the Ace of Spade they all saw… not the girl that this Half of Halves had fallen for.

They walked from one carnival to the next, just company for the duller parts and so much life at each stop. Till the day a man, an aimless wanderer took her hand… and showed her prettier lights. He showed her camel rides, elephant trumpets and a coveted throne. He whispered to her, as she pulled away from the Half of Halves, half a mile half a second… he told her of how many princesses and queens who’d wanted that seat.

His stories of battles, and trades and adventures were something the Half of Halves never had told her of. He’d rather been busy guarding her, while she’d dance with the gypsies. But he’d never really shown her that he too could fight and kill. So she said to Half- I thank you my friend. If not for you… I’d never have left the tower where I’d forever been. You’ve brought me to my King of Hearts and with him now I shall proceed.

But she never really dug deep enough to see the Half of Halves for what he was. Never deep enough to see that he wasn’t a mere Half. He was more than the Half that she could see, much more than the Quarter she had unlocked, and an Eighth she’d ever revealed. Not just the man who made her the woman she was. She never realized that the Half of Halves was a man who could complete any heck of a woman whom he’d chose to be. With just as much grit, passion and poise, The Half of Halves took it in his stride.

He waved her goodbye and carried on… but now he was just too lost. All this while, he’d never seen the side of him that she’d made him see. All this while he’d never enjoyed for adventures that were his own, they’d always been his queen’s. So when he stepped out of the Castle of the King of Hearts he turned around just once towards the porch. He saw her wave an innocent goodbye with a childlike smile, unaware of what she was letting go. And for what? A King of Hearts? A man, a chameleon, a trader of shady delights? A man one could trade for a broken barrel and two hollow dimes. A man who was that trader in every carnival. That trader who’d poach on unaware girls. A man that the Half of Halves had always feared for his allure. But the Half of Halves wasn’t half as cunning as the King of Hearts. And he’d never put a foot out of line with his Ace of Spades. So he left her putting up a happy face. He hoped that they’d meet again.

So they did as he walked head down. Aimlessly wondering, he hit another bend and another Carnival it shall be. And as he wandered aimlessly, his eyes wandered- for whom, he could not see. From one carnival to the next to a village he’d never seen. Where he’d heard tales of traders stop for pleasures and sins. He had no choice for he was too tired. And there he saw her- like a showcase doll. Wrapped around like a precious shrug, on a throne next to her King of Hearts. He asked around as to who the King had been. A woman next to him said, he is the one- the provider of Sins. His job was to show pleasures to men and women alike. A spell so toxic that no modest men could cast off. So he waited and waited on the sidelines. Till one day the King of Hearts threw his ashen Ace aside. While she lay there too weak to speak or to cry. He just put his hand out again and said… Come, you’ve seen enough.

But she hadn’t seen enough as it seemed, as she would later tell him. With each trippy light of a different color, she’d leave his hand. And with each new taste she’d forge his guard and let men in who weren’t worth a penny, a pebble or a speck.  And yet he’d watch with just as much passion as pain, with just as much anguish yet try to be sane. He’d watch till he’d seen enough and then turn the other way. Even then The Half of Halves stood his guard, whether she liked it or not. He’d stay because that’s what he’d always promised to himself. He wasn’t that Half of a Half – a man who walked off unfulfilled. He was that Half who stood his post in whichever way she demanded.

But one fine day he said he had let her see enough. That the Ace was worth more than the Ones and Two put together. That they’d never cherish her as he did. Because he was that Half of Halves that did indeed her complete. But the Ace in all her childish charm, forgot to realize one true fact. He didn’t say “I complete you” which was the truth… he’d said “you complete me” which rang a bell. So the Ace said Ah, Well! If I complete you… then you are Just a Half. A Half of Halves, that’s not as complete as I thought of you to be. I’m sorry but you’ve been a faithful friend, but I have my journeys which you can’t bend. I have adventures that scare you and give you nightmares. I like the lights but you cast a shadow too long.

The Half of Halves was never just a Half. He was twice of what you saw. Tomes more to write about, Stories that she could not explore. The Ace of Spades never really foresaw. That the day the Half was complete again… he wouldn’t need as elusive a trump like the Ace of Spades. Because in every deck of cards there is an Ace of each Color. But there is only one Half of Halves who wins the game. He is that hand that holds his cards close enough and long enough. Till his hand is filled with cards of his choice. And then while she shall still be an Ace that all kings and pawns would kill for. He’d become the Winning Knight.

Do you know why Knights fight with an unrevealing armor? Because they only want the world to see the Half that they wish to reveal. And the one who goes beyond that armor. That is the light that fills the Half of Halves and makes him complete.