India is Walking Stark Naked

According to Sigmund Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams, dreams of walking around stark naked have positive connotations (apparently). They meant that one was spiritually so liberated, so uninhibited that he/she was parading around naked- like breaking through the cosmetics of outward appearances.  Dreams are some figment of our subconscious or maybe a collection of anomalous memories, desires and imagination.  Just that…Then I read somewhere that a cop called fully-clothed women “Haramzadiyon” and I snapped back to reality.

When we started with Panwadi Tales – we started with an attitude to shed cynicism and talk about the simpler and smaller unspoken pleasures in life. It is obvious we all go through a great deal everyday to have to parade our wounds around so we made PT our anti-battleground. At the end of the day, it is our god damn personal blog…if this gets personal, so be it.

Ashamed. Abandoned. Agonized. Anarchy. Proud to be a Delhite; Utterly ashamed by the falsely ‘democratic India’.

This triggered off from an argument I had with a couple of friends/ acquaintances over a status update on Facebook a few days (before the angry protest at India Gate): “If you're a girl child in this country... there's a chance they may kill you before you're born, rape you after, never send you to school, molest you on roads, in buses or even classrooms, harass you in office, molest you / rape you some more -verbally / visually / physically, beat you or throw acid on you, burn you for dowry, or throw your newly born baby girl down a staircase - because It is a Girl Child. So don't walk alone, don't walk after dark... or with anyone less than a Schwarzenegger for a friend, don't look up, heads down, don't talk loud, don't talk on the phone, don't party, don't wear short clothes (like dressing has anything to do with 6 year olds getting raped)... don't be visible - just don't exist!” .

I think I say now, “This is what I meant in anger when I said “they”… “us” it is all the same.

Three days of continuous agitations at the India Gate and I was glued to the TV channels that brought direct images from the grounds of a Colossal Youth-led Leaderless Self-initiated and Socially-and-Morally-virtuous protests of all time. For three days I disappeared from Facebook and Gtalk and just delved in each minute of what unfolded into a prime-time Strip Club of the various agencies that “pass-the-buck”. It stripped naked everyone sparing none who came its way- be it the Muted Prime Minister, the Eccentric Home Minister, a CM and a Lt. Gen. on ‘vacation’, a non-existent 'Youth Icon' Rahul Gandhi or a brute Police.

Still my neighbors in Baroda preferred dry commentary with, “Yeh, Dilli mein ho raha hai? Dilli toh bahot unsafe hai ladkiyon ke liye… aap kaise rehete thhe?”

Shame people! When are we going to wake up and realize that it is not about Delhi vs. the rest of India? It is about a simple word- Respect. Something which we as Indians have become insensitive to - despite being educated. It is when we choose to act like 'a sheep in the herd' that our education flew out that window. Really, “they” and “us” is a shameful concept. And that was bravely showcased by all those thousands of young/old men/ boys who formed a large proportion of a seemingly unaware crowd. And let’s put a few things straight. Not all men are totally useless.

1. This 23 year-old girl’s rape is the instigator- it was the last pebble that was thrown into a pot that was brimming with crimes against women in recent times and it overflowed. It is not THE ONLY REASON why people were gathered that day. And Delhi is not the ONLY place where this happens. It was a show of solidarity which needed a spark to fuel it and which was manifest in this very case. And this is not the only heinous crime or the only time it has happened. It was just beyond a threshold limit this time.

2. The protest was not lead by “hooligans” and “goons” with an agenda to bring down the House of the “hardly-citizen-like-(to even be called) the First Citizen” President of India despite what people like the politically correct “Vishnu Shoms” or “Barkha Dutts” of an even more “calm and responsible” or the "brave and on-site" channels portray. It was a spontaneous reaction of people. In this case a mass reaction of a large majority whose actions peaked into a fiasco precisely because (once again) the Govt. of India failed to admit to its FAILING ADMINISTRATIVE SYSTEM. We are the largest and most populous democracy in the world. It is time we act like one.

3. The crowds were pretty composed till the police- like a BIG FAT BULLY- or a self-demonstrated MORON started spraying water cannons and tear-gas shells on an unassuming, young and morally wronged crowd on a Cold Delhi Winter Morning. I mean really!!! It won’t take a General to figure out what panic can do to a frenzied crowd…will it? And if you don’t have the balls to own up to your mischief then don’t commit them in the wide open in broad daylight, in front of a 100 cameras, thousands/millions of witnesses nationwide and expect to get away with it. Really Moronic Acts of Ass-ness here.

4. Don’t lathi-charge an already panicked crowd and don’t keep doing it five times over due to a general lack of Brains. The crowd will react. It really made me wonder if this was the plan in the first place? To just aggravate people so that they give a reason for the police to get violent? Also don’t go around calling unarmed girls/ women “Haramzaadiyon” and “Randiyon” while charging lathis’ at the crowd. The whole point of the protest is to demand Respect For Women in India - from the judicial system, the people, the men, the women, the politicians and the police. Calling them prostitutes in whatever fit of anger or momentary lapse of control it may have been, just proves the protest right, a grand case of “Paer ko kulhadi pe khud maarna” by the Delhi Police again.

And then the Police Commissioner says on National Television that yes, they have “training programmes” for “gender sensitization” of the police. Well clearly Mr. Commissioner- It Aint Working! ; Your or should I say OUR “Trained” officers/ constables seem to forget what the word “sensitization” means as opposed to the words “Haramzaadi /Randii” which they seem to involuntarily use to describe women. It is not just them it is a general mediocrity of mentality in many people- not all but many- that it is okay to lash out abusively at women this way.

5. Infant mortality, Sexual Abuse, Physical/ Mental Abuse, Domestic Violence, Genocide, Rape, Gender Bias aren't just Delhi's problems- they happen all over the country- if we remember Satyamev Jayate and the episodes. And why do we conveniently forget that Delhi is a multi-cultural city- Its has a lot of floating population- people from Other Cities who come to earn there- So this does get general and national and not just regional/ Delhi-Centric because there are people from all over the country in this city- anyone could be a criminal and a victim- so why just tag "Delhi- the City?"

6. Like we hail our laurels... we should also own up as a nation- a network of systems- failed systems- that failed to protect its citizens. My point is the President of America made a tearful speech to bring hope to the people within hours of the tragic Connecticut shooting.  Do you or I have such leaders who would openly say they will get rid of our insecurities? Even when they do the PM looks like a chicken(no doubt a halal ka murga) and the CM like a blushing school girl when saying things like “As a father of three daughters I am deeply…”

WHATEVER! Had the timing of the speech been appropriate to the gravity of the protests, we would have had a  so-called-mature frame of mind that we all accuse each other of lacking, but now I just don’t care if you have three, two or no daughters… How does it matter now? Are you going to do anything about bringing judicial reforms in his country of not? Don’t throw sentimental bullshit at people after asking them to "Control their actions” a day ago. And mind yourself- If you were that deeply disturbed as a father of three daughters, why didn’t you bother to address a simmering crowd when it would have counted? At the precise time when all they wanted was security for their daughters the same as yours?? A country- is not just people- it is their sentiments, their reaction as well. It is also a system- the failing system. Just ADMIT IT already!

8.  Is it okay to say "Delhi is not safe for girls" because rapes don't happen in Goa or Assam or Chennai or Kashmir? Going by the personal argument that general statements should not be made because they offend personal sentiments; What about the sentiments of responsible Delhites? They are All To Blame? Where is that argument when we blame the whole city for the shortcomings of some goons?

Deeply disturbed and highly aggravated as I am by the shameless vocabulary used by people right from higher up to lower down in our society, it is a long road to redeeming the “Izzat” of a woman because each day we involuntary commit a crime against her be it in our gender bias, our prejudice, our assumption/judgment or our actions. Till then we are all walking around as naked as any other victim. Like victims of our own thoughts.

The fact remains the fastest I have ever seen cops in Delhi budge his ass was when running with Lathis in their hands. 

The 'Ghosts' of Delhi

[Text and Sketch by D.B.]

Wednesday morning, 4 A.M., I debarked in Delhi after finishing my ninth semester. Visiting home in winters is a delight to the senses always. Experiencing Delhi’s winter chill is one of the favorite jobs on my ‘Things to Do’ list. The early morning chill, a cup of hot tea outside Old Delhi Railways Station, winter breeze, all could be called as the ingredients of ‘happiness of being-back’. The happiness, however, didn’t stay for long. The moment I saw the newspapers, I was ‘shocked’. I have seen such news before also but this was ‘limit’. The whole newspaper was filled with the news of the ‘Black’ incidence that happened a day before. Indeed, it’s a Black-incidence as it’s not less than killing people brutally under the name of terrorism. It took time for me to understand the whole story as I went through the news.

The incidence took the shape of an outrage when I was sleeping after the night-journey. Staying ‘inside’ prevents you from knowing what’s happening outside. I spent the whole day at home with family. At night, when alone, I checked the whole story again on net. I was ‘ashamed’ of what happened. As I have always been the first in taking pride in being a Delhi-ite, I now confess of being ashamed of what happened in my city. It is brutal and intolerable. The incidence has actually put a scar on the faces of all the ‘Dilli-wallahs’, who love their city by heart and are proud to be called as one.

Newspapers today, filled up again, with the news of outrage in the city and country. One compared the stats of the security guards for the VIP’s and a Delhi-ite. It is shocking! The fact that the city is not safe for anyone after 8 PM is known to me since years. I am using ‘anyone’, as it’s not the case for women only and that comes from my own experience of travelling in DTC bus from Janakpuri to Ashok Vihar at 9:30 PM, when half the bus is occupied by drunkards and those who are not in their senses to get down at the right stand. Being the national capital, the city still has not taken any measures regarding the issue. Ok, yes, the metro plies till 11:00 but what after Metro? The same Auto, car-pool, vacant bus-stops or a ‘white-charted bus’? Being a guy, I know that if I am in CP – the so-called ‘heart’ of the city, I have to leave the place by 9:00 in order to reach home safely. For girls, reduce the time by one hour. It’s pathetic.

But then I don’t want to be the one, like many others, just writing a blog post sitting in the quilt, in order to show that they ‘support the cause’. I am and have been a part of incidences, not as severe as these, and thus I am already a part of the voice against it. With this post I just want to spread the word of being careful and aware of the happenings ‘yourself’ instead of waiting for the politicians to pass some law or something. There are few measures that I follow myself whenever I am out there. I want you to please keep all this in mind and also tell others to follow. I know many a times we do not listen to our parents or feel bounded by ‘their’ security tips, but at the end of the day it’s not ‘their’, it is for OUR security.

With this I do not mean to offend or ‘teach’ anyone with the Dos and Don’ts. I realize that you are as responsible as I am and thus I want you to be your own guard irrespective of what the officials and governments say or does. All this is not only for girls as it is not THEM who are wrong anywhere, It’s for all of us – the youth standing at India Gate – it’s our problem and we need to fight with it ourselves.

BE IN TOUCH: We use this phrase hundreds of times while texting or talking to someone on phone (I myself use it always). What we never realize is that sometimes we need to mean it. Few years back I read an article on the same issue in Brunch Magazine. The solution was just to keep ‘someone’ updated about your movement. Not necessary your parents, I know that ‘we have our own life’ and thus we do not ‘always’ tell our mom-dad of our hideouts but then we have our friends. Whenever you are out at odd timings just keep texting or ‘be in touch’ with any of your friends, it’s like travelling with someone instead of being alone. Chat till you reach home safely, that’s it. Girls, if you have five guys staring at you then realize that you have ten who would do anything to protect you. And I am serious when I say that. You know it! Even in times when you feeling like being ‘alone-in-the-crowd-types’, after a fight with your guy or a bad day at office, just stay in touch with a friend.

LET YOUR SMART PHONE ACT ‘SMART’: Know the place where you are going. Keep yourself updated about the nearest amenities. Keep ‘watsaaping’ your pals about your where about. Keep the important numbers on speed dials. There are many other efforts that you can consider, Oh come on, haven’t you seen Taken? Yes, that’s what I am talking about.

WHATS THE TIME: As mentioned above also, Delhi is ‘dead’ after 8 PM. It is not that I am telling or ordering you to be back home by 8, it is just that be aware of your surroundings. Know your bus timings, keep yourself updated about the timings when public transport stops working in your area, avoid narrow, vacant spaces in your travel route, etc. Just keep your eyes open and beware after eight.

FOR ALL THE DUDES OUT THERE: Mayn, its High Time! Hitting gym twice a day or having 15” bicep is all waste if you cannot protect the girl standing near you. The newspapers say that there is one police officer to protect 500 Delhi-ites. Come on, that ‘muscle’ is there to flaunt only? Be a man and protect girls and it is not only for your girl that I am talking about. Realize the importance of your presence in a less crowded zone and take responsibility of women near you. We don’t need officers to protect us if we are aware ourselves; after all, we are not VIPs. Try learning ‘free-style’ fighting or just build yourself for a fight. Remember, if women are ‘beauty’ of nature then we are here as their ‘protector’.

I appreciate the effort by the victim’s friend. He failed but at least he tried.

'Z' security for them and 'Zzzzzz..' Security for us!

The whole incidence has made me feel ashamed of my own Dilli. This could have happened anywhere, but what is important is that it has happened, once again! The blog is meant for sharing the ‘smaller pleasures’ of life. I have several posts pending in pipeline but chose to post this first as no one can actually be happy realizing what all is happening out there. With this post I request rather advice all my friends to be active and act smart against such incidences. Guys, it’s a shame for all of us if we cannot even protect our girls and friends. Accept it and Act against it! Also, as the co-author of the blog, I wish for health of the victims and extend my support for them!

   

'December' Rain

It might look as if I am a guide and am promoting my college campus as a tourist spot but NO! It’s just that I am sharing what my ‘Canon’ likes and captures…

So, the Breaking News is that fresh snowfall was seen on the Trikuta hills on Saturday. The site became visible after two days of continuous rainfall when, on Saturday, the cloud cover wiped out for few hours.     

“When the drizzle continues for a long span… It becomes a downpour!” In this weather, a downpour was definitely NOT expected.

 Upar se Exams!!! In weather touching freezing point writing exams is such a difficult task. Especially when  one of the exam is for 18 hours, 2 days, 9 hours each day! Soney pe ‘abhaaga’ ise kehte hain…

Captured from the Studio

Anyways, good thing is that we have the liberty to click photos in exam – Views from my class and college building.

Even typing is difficult in such temperature… Anyways, if not a ‘guide’, I feel I could be a good journalist! Aapke yahan taapman kaisa hai? Mail karein panwadi.tales@gmail.com par aur paayein… Is Christmas ek uphaar! Lols. Happy Winters! 

Colors

[Text & Photographs by D.B.]

With the end of the festivities, when I last posted something, began the end of the ninth semester of my college life. No doubt, as everyone else does, am too getting nostalgic about leaving college as the days go by. Apart from friends, relationships, bonding, attachments, juniors, seniors [the key ingredients of college life] I managed to have something more to miss when I am done from here. My campus has always shown me wonders – wonders of nature! I have mentioned this before also in few of my posts and repeating it as it keeps happening here. The last days of semester for any architecture student means – ‘jury’ – the most precious time in the life when you are apparently allowed to explain what you have done or created in the last six months, no matter whether it’s a ‘wonder’ or a ‘blunder’, in front of someone who has been creating such things since years or in simple words is more ‘experienced’ than you and after hours of discussions (in worst cases) you realize that you could have done it better! Well, I am just done with my ninth such discussion and the way I described it now, I guess, I should write a post on it as well.

But this one is not about jury; it is about something which kept me going through all the tensions of it. In between the pressures & hopes of performing well and the last–moment–compilation–blues, the Mother Nature once again blessed us with a spectacular glimpse of her powers and showed what could be termed as a ‘miracle’. A Rainbow, two in fact, at a time! Explaining it in words would be as difficult as putting it on canvas with colors. Thus, here’s the Phlog – Colors!  

The first glimpse - 4:45 PM, noticed the 'Rise of the Rainbow' from the college studio. Within minutes we found the second half too..  

The second half - Do not miss the the replica of the first one! Yes! They are Two.. At the same time!

Zooming In - I tried to explore it a bit and zoomed in. The road behind the bow is the NH-1, Jammu to Srinagar. I just wonder what those people in the cars might have got to see from there...

The same on the other side of it.. Double-dhamaka!!!

The Bigger Picture -  Soon we realized that we were missing the real part. Climbed up the terrace of the college building to get a better view. Seriously, what you can see in this picture is just 0.1% of the reality! I could capture it through my Canon, just because I was lucky. Being there was a totally different experience. I hope you reach near to what I felt. Enjoy!

The panorama - Tried to capture the beauty along with the natural setting and backdrop and got what I call a 'perfect' piece - with the holy trikuta mountain or commonly known, Vaishno Devi on the left side. 

The show ends - The magical performance lasted for some fifteen minutes. It was awesome! Again, left me feeling contented.

Although, the pics were taken by the author himself, but he gives all the credits to The Mother Nature for giving such a chance. If you think that the author really had some role in this magical show, you can send him appreciations  comments, suggestions, job offers or even contact him just to ask his camera model at panwadi.tales@gmail.com

Festival of Lights!

[Text and Photos by D.B.]

As the name suggests, it’s the ‘Festival of Lights’ – Diwali! Yaaay! :) PT wishes all its readers a very Happy and Bright Diwali! This is the day we wait for the whole year. Kids wait for crackers, some wait for ‘bonus’, others wait for ‘special’ discounts in shopping, companies see it as the time to sell their products, some wait for the ‘sweets’, and some do it for ‘once-in-a-year’ gifting time! All in all, this is the ‘national’ festival and thus we loovvvve it!

I know, you are just finished with the Diwali rush and now you will have to continue with the mundane life. Just the ‘thought’ of it is so depressing, no? Don’t worry, I am not gonna write anything about the post-Diwali ‘head-aches’. In fact, I am not going to write anything. It’s a photo-blog (phlog), my second one.

It is all about looking, zooming, focusing and shooting the things which brings the ‘idea’ of LIGHT to me! Well, its kinda celebrating the festival of ‘Lights’ in my own way. I guess, I should let the pics explain you the rest.

'Bottle-bubbles'

Candle ke neeche andhera...

    

Deep-awali

'Chinese'-Diwali (lights)

I tried my hand out doing things which I have never tried in photography, presenting  for the first time - the 'Play of Light'.

'Zoom-in'

'Web'

'Moving Light'

'Idea'

Jaali

Play of Light - Hostel Staircase

                         

Dance of Light

And, of course, finally wishing you all A Very Happy Diwali!!! :)

  

Celebrating Diwali without family is usually not a good idea, but it turned out to be great. Thanks to those who stayed back in the campus, for their company! A festival can be celebrated anywhere, you just need to 'feel' it! How was your Diwali, write to us on panwadi.tales@gmail.com

    

Bingo Lingo!!!

[Text and sketches by D.B.]

Last few days have been very hectic and laborious. There was a ‘submission’ to be made which kept me occupied for every minute and second. In Architectural studies, one can always run out of time but can never run away from submissions (with this I do not question what the students belonging to other fields do). Thus to relax myself and keep myself going I have few measures to follow which include writing, reading, music, etc. Usually I am certain about the things to read, write or listen and thus I have my own preferences. One such preference is Sonal Kalra’s column in HT City, A Calmer You. Last week, as she always does, she came up with a topic that everyone would have experienced and encountered. It was about the different set of ‘lingos’ followed by people in different places and circumstances. What made the article unique was that the ‘lingo’ is normally ‘insensible’. We don’t know the meaning and origin of many words/phrases but they are part of our lifestyle. The article dragged me to a website dedicated to this topic and believe me ‘mere dimaag ka dahi hogaya’, rather ‘meri khopdi bhinna gayi by god ki kasam’! It actually made me think about such phrases, why the brain becomes yoghurt in frustration and what does ‘bhinna-na’ means? God knows.  

The reason behind such ‘innovation’ is the shear need to express our thoughts. What made it innovative is the ‘social-restriction’ – You want to curse your boss in public, you can’t do that using his real name so you call him something else. You are a funny bunch of youngsters and want to convey your thoughts with each other, you come up with your own lingo, which you all understand but no one else does. We all come up with such lingos in our offices, colleges, schools, and at one time we all start thinking what the other people would think about this lingo, if spoken world-wide! We all have our own dictionaries and we use it verrrry frequently!

Ten such master-pieces, selected from my own surroundings -

1.     Chaallll Teri....!

The mix of words here does not actually mean anything, if seen logically, but the phrase might annoy a person to the highest level. This is usually used to denote one person’s victory over the other person (remember, by victory, I mean verbally conquering an argument) and normally a third person, listening the argument, uses this.

  

2.     Chupp Hoiiya…!

This one is frequently used in my local setting due to the influence of Punjabi language in this region. This one has the same purpose as above but this is used by the person who won the argument as a sort of declaration, while bragging about himself.

3.     O paen….!

Well, the origin of this one is known to almost every one and it is still vulgar for larger part of population, but this has evolved so much that now it is common. This is a multi-functional phrase which could be used in any and every situation, for surprise, as an exclamation, as appreciation, for frustration, etc.

                          

4.      Kentaaa!

This one evolved from the word ghanta. People might find it offensive but in college culture, it’s totally ‘in’. This is used when you do not agree to something or you have your own say.

5.     Koi shakkarr nayi maarey…!

This is world famous phrase and was first used by Mark Twain. Lols. This phrase evolved from the hindi version – ‘Koi chakkar nahi maharaj…!’ Now this is used to relax someone who is confused or tensed for something. The speaker might not even know how to help the person but if he uses this phrase, the other person feels good.

6.    Button dabb gaya…!

This is the situation no one wants. Picture this - You have a colleague who keeps on talking about his life, his problems, everything related to him and one fine day he is silent and that very moment someone comes up and asks, “Aur, kaisa hai?” Then you are finished. It feels like, by mistake, you pressed the button of a tape-recorder and now you don’t know how to turn it off!

                          

7.     Rayeta Faaill gaya…!

This is used to declare that something has gone wrong. Now, why the rayeta has been taken into consideration, I don’t know. But it feels creepy when you listen to this phrase.

8.     Khajjal-ation..

This is the local name of a ‘problem’ or ‘difficulty’. It is the evolved version of a ‘botheration’.

9.      Asshaa??

This is a question, asked in-between a conversation when you feel that the other person is lying. This has simply been evolved from the hindi word achha, the Punjabi-cum-dogri effect made it asshaa. This can turn down anyone within a second, if he is lying.

10.   Feeeeeeelllll…..

This is used to declare that you actually got the ‘feel’ of something and you like it. ‘We’ use it often, after all, ‘Architecture is all about feeling’!   

The author feels that every problem can be sorted with a conversation irrespective of language! You can try out learning the newer lingo (and pass your time) from the website samosapedia.com. You can also share your dictionary with us on panwadi.tales@gmail.com 

Rael gaadi rael gaadi- chhuk chhuk chhuk chhuk

[Text by Anusha, photos by D.B. and MyIndiaPictures.com]

Toh maidam aap South se BELONG karte hain?

Train travel makes for the best anecdotes in the history of travel. In the multicultural and perpetually crowded frenzy that India is, train travel (that too in the sleeper) and with an unreserved ticket always unfurls into the best experiences for a lifetime! The fight begins with the dump of a website- irctc.co.in. Any ticket from any remotest of places to any other corner of the country always generates a waitlisted ticket so why bother getting a ticket! Well if all the brains in the Silicon Valley & the IBM’s & the APPLE’s are mostly Indian Boy-geniuses then how come no Indian Govt. Website actually works? Unless off course if you book two months in advance which most of India doesn’t...so who does get a reserved ticket, I wonder!


There was this one time I actually managed to book a ticket but the voice of a hormonal lady on the platform kept saying “Khripya Dhyan dein...blah blah blah...ek ghante tees minute se late chal rahi hai...” after every half hour. So I decided to just take any god-damn train headed my way- without a ticket.

Irrespective of whether you manage to get a seat or you don’t, in India, everyone is entitled to grab a seat. If the coolies let you enter in the first place. Brace yourselves if you’re hauled in for a long distance journey. The stench of urine and the spit of the paan will welcome you right at the mouth of the gate, along with clogged washbasins spilling water and overflowing dustbins. As the pandemonium unfurls the population of India starts fighting on who will enter first. Two collies will burst into the bogie after managing to push through the entrance together.

While you fight your way through the fat aunties with tyres of flab that can singlehandedly cause traffic jams, or uncles with bellies stretching a kilometre perpendicular to their bodies, who carry huge trunks and are stubborn to not let anyone live till they settle or insane toddlers who start throwing circus tricks. The Indian Travelling family is the most harassed traveller on the train... till they reach their seats. 


Then one of the mom’s loses her cool and points to you, while you pretend to ignore her hoping to vanish in thin air, in shear fear and embarrassment of being asked to babysit her kid- it happens just like that, “Beta, woh dekho... didi se baat karo... woh dekho didi kitne ache se baithein hain, app tangg kyun kar rahe ho?” Bass... then the kid is officially didi’s problem. Who dares ask the mother “Agar tum khud itne pareshan ho toh main kya ukhhad lungi?” But then you decide it’s better to take care of the annoying kid than let the brat stick a finger into the ceiling fan to gain attention. His dad grunts in anger and picks him up with one hand from his suspenders and throws him to the top berth for asylum.

There is always a noisy family, and then there are the lonely bachelors... or a group of guys in their youth- The Scavengers. They will tirelessly walk up and down and up and down the aisle of the bogies, preying on eye-candies. And they will always sleep late, chatting away to glory in the coach full of sleepy heads. If they find a pretty face- that is it. They will venture out in pairs, giving all the guys in the group an equal amount of time for bird-watching and will be unabashed in their eye-corner stares and peaky eyebrows.

Then off course we always have a smart ass. No offense, but this one is invariably from UP or Bihar or these days it could even be Jharkhand. His mouth will be frothing in Paan to the point of disgust and yes...he will choose to talk through the gooey redness of his mouth. “Aisha hai, ek baat batate hain aapko...dhyaan dijiyega... yeh jo Bala Saheb Thakarey ji hain...Inko bihariyon se sahi mein problem kya hai pata hai....” And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men will never put this humpty dumpty together ever again. 

What will follow is an introduction – “Aap kahan se belong karte hain?” Mostly this is a safe way of asking a person about his roots before you pass the next offensive statement and offend him. In India you never know. So I say “Main Dilli se hoon.” “Achha dilli se hain...toh Gujarat kyun ja rahe hain?” to which I stare at him thinking... “sorry, agli baar poochki jaungi!”

Dude cut the crap already before you spray your spit everywhere. “Mera ghar wahan hai.” “Achha achha... lekin aap dilli ki lagti toh nahi hain” to this my gut retorts - Dilli ke log kaise lagte hain? Technically a Delhite can be anyone because Delhi actually has no original “Sect” so unless I stick a Post-it on my forehead saying ‘Delhite’ you can never really make out one, but I decide to stick to “Haan main Tamil hun.” He acts to go into a shock hearing this and can’t stop himself from saying “Aap Tamil bhi nahi lagti hain!” Yeah well... sue me!  Spare me the stereotype.

Oh...wait for it! Then the discussion takes a new direction altogether, because the minute they realise you aren’t truly a Delhite- they decide to let the pent-up hater inside them out.  They go into great lengths describing every little flaw of Delhi... the menace of a capital... CP, Paalika Metro...Khod diya hai.... blah blah...  how unsafe it is for girls and for anything feminine walking on two feet.. blah blah... rape......blah blah...ladkiyan, chote chote kapde....blah some more... the autos “besharmi se” loot them. Once the recitation is over they say, “So you must be happy being in the west now.” I don’t understand this regional dissing that all Indians indulge in shamelessly. If you’re Tamil you diss the Punjabi... If you’re Punjabi you diss the Bengali... If you’re Bong you diss the Marathi and if you’re Marathi you diss the Bihari- and let us not forget the age old mind-numbing pain-in-the-arse question which sounds like nails on a chalkboard “Aap Tamil se belong karte hain (I am sure he meant Tamil Nadu, poor fellow) toh aap ghar pe kya bolte hain- TELUGU?”

God, please kill me. Really are we that culturally illiterate about our own country? The state is called TAMIL NADU for a reason, not TELUGU NADU for crying out loud! “Nai main Malayalam mein bolti hun.” What difference will it make to you- to the rest of India- Tamil, Malayalam, Telugu and Kannada is all the same. Although if I go to Bangalore they’d tell me Coorgi and Kannada were different as well.  

Yeah... I like my Rajni jokes too as much as Santa :P

A Delhite would then jump in and diss on Bala Sahib Thakarey. Then he’d diss on Communism in Kerala and the not-so-motherly Maumauta (Mamta) Didi in Bengal. Yoa mama so fat... no bro, your mama so black! Hate hate and more hate. By the time the journey ends you would just have had enough of the obnoxious intruders in your coach. All throughout the journey the red gooey-mouthed guy would say he’s a Marwari Jain- no onion, no garlic kinds- and order non vegetarian dinner to which you are forced to stare at him in disbelief!

How does it matter which state we belong to? The worst possible thing to be asked to me is where do I come from. If I say I belong to the South, the South Indians smirk at my non-South Indian accent, and if I say I belong to the north, the North Indians mock my non- North Indian looks.

I was born in Mumbai, lived in Gujarat till five years of age, shifted and lived for 10 years in Delhi, moved to Singapore for 2 years, did my college from Jammu & Kashmir- 5 years, then came back to Delhi for a year and a half. From the top of my mind my closest friends comprise of a Mallu, a Dogri, a Himachali, a Rajasthani, a Sikh, a Bengali, a Sindhi and a Punjabi – 4 Delhites + the rest of India. If I explain this then there will be no potential for bitching about the other states or people around me which the Indian Traveller loves to do, so why should I be the Party Pooper? Today I live in Baroda. Toh bhaisahab... main kahan se belong karti hun? Aapko kya pharak padta hai? Aap shuru ho jao...chalo.

There is No charge for Awesomeness

Kungfu Panda over Lance Armstrong – Hope vs Dope

And once again, the world tries to appear shocked, disappointed and angered. While NDTV 24X7 and CNN were busy showing the great fall from grace of legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong, HBO aired Kungfu Panda.  And I guess after all the mudslinging contests that have eclipsed the daily news in the Kejriwals, the Khurshids and the miserably overgrown childish fancies of the Kings of Good Times... the only thing worthwhile on TV this week was Kungfu Panda. 

Po, the Dragon Warrior

I love animation movies. They just bring in such hope, the Disney’s and the Pixar’s and the Dreamworks’. Lance Armstrong has long been a real life “Dragon warrior” for most of my generation. A man who could beat cancer and came back to world sport finishing with an ecliptic record of seven Tour de-France titles was always a figure of “the power of will” among us youth. The man who created the mantra of “live strong” was all but strong in his own life. Alas, once they fall, even humpty dumpty could never be put together by any amount of horses of men- and we know that one since nursery.  

Somehow I just have a special corner for Kungfu Panda. Maybe I am just a big overgrown girlie myself and I like my teddy bears the most, or just perhaps because Po- portrays the stereotypical Loser image- is relatable (ok, go ahead and laugh asking me if I look at myself as a loser, but if you grow a brain you’ll see what I mean about stereotypes and presumptions). At least I can relate more to him than the rich brats of Student of the Year, who by the way, just like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, are never seen studying in their schools. Better worth for money seem the virtual creations these days that make an attempt to break some sort of stereotype as opposed to glorifying the tried-tested-stale and wasted love-wala-triangle and ishq-wala-love concepts.

Po's father - Mr. Ping - The noodle wala

Po never loses his humour even when he is the butt of all jokes throughout the movie. And he manages to show what most real-life idols keep failing to live up to. That good does win, and will does have power and destiny always “flies in the face of logic and science”, as my uncle once put it.

I mean Po- the Panda still believes in and loves the biologically anomalous father that he has in the rooster. Do we see such transcendental love in the real times? Or how about the fact that the creature is huge on the outside and so adorably cuddly on the inside, like all idol-worshiping teenagers? Let us take a minute to acknowledge how the mockery of a kung fu warrior refuses to give up after being made a fool of countless times, after being annihilated in combat by all its fellow trainees, even after being humiliated for his size, his wit, his eating habits, his hygene or his very presence that only earns rejection and anger from his teacher- Master Shifu- who calls out to him as 

Master Shifu and Po - at his sucky best

“there is now, a new Level zero.”

I, for one, can recite the dialogues alongside the movie like subtitles. When master Oogway says to a disbelieving Po who runs scared of his destiny well aware of his incapacity to fulfil the title of the Dragon Warrior, he says, “One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.” Apply that to life and maybe all that mist and haze we pass through along the way will all just clear up. Running is never the solution.

Or how about the line, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” You’ll want to take life as it comes. Each day that you live makes sense if you like what you do, because then you know what you are doing is what you were meant to do even before you knew it. Each minute that you sit through, hating everything that you do and wanting to run away from it, maybe that is your moment to find your true calling.

Master Oogway and Po under the the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom

Master Oogway according to me is the true legend in the movie; the slow little wise turtle, who could foresee the turmoil in the characters’ hearts. “There are no accidents” he says. True. Things always happen for a reason. You may want to question how you got to the most treasured things that life gave you. When I recount these moments, my epitome was all seeded in one random move I must have made unaware of the consequences that may have followed. The best things I got in my life came when I started out with zero expectations. It makes me realise that we are all constantly changing our destiny in every move we make; it is all the same albeit unaware of it.

There were some moments of exceptional hilariousness. “There is no charge for awesomeness and attractiveness.” I mean, a Panda striking a pose and saying that takes you back to your own show-offs, when you may have given such superstar moments and hit poses totally in your element, must have looked just as lame. Or how about the obsessive compulsive urge to overeat under high levels of stress; stuffing one’s face with the peaches from the ancient tree of wisdom, impervious to the fact that the tree actually meant more than just a peach tree...I’ve pigged out every time I’ve been depressed. I totally see myself in that obsessive panda.

So the one thing I will take away from it for sure... actually two, are these: Po says “I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of Kungfu. In the history of China. In the history of Sucking.” But ends up being thee panda- the best yet humblest warrior and just the same goofball he was from the very start. 

Po and the Furious Five

And the second is again the same “one often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.”

So even if you might initially totally suck at something, have a sense of humour about it and laugh it off. There is nothing more gratifying than having the ability to laugh on oneself even if others laugh on you. Nothing good ever came out of running away from things. Be a “man” so to speak, and just face the shit that happens head-on. 

Kung Fu Panda

Because even if you took the easy way out, what is meant to blow up in your face, eventually will be same mess anyways. Who knows maybe standing and admitting that you suck at it makes it the first step towards bettering yourself.